shoot me

For some insane reason I've done it again -- I watched a movie that no one on Earth has any legitimate reason to watch. Why? Why do I do this?? I don't pay that much extra for plenty of movie channels but the few I do have always give me a choice to see something I never have before... so why do I sometimes choose the absolute worst movie that's on?! Kinda makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Dr. Chopper

straight-to-video, 2005

0 stars out of 5

starring: no one known by anyone anywhere...
except perhaps Costas Mandylor

The question is: why would someone make or appear in this movie? Seriously, would a struggling actor really want this blemish on their résumé? Seriously... why?! I suppose if pure schmaltzy crap is what you're into, then this is a high point because that's all this movie is. I'm actually embarrassed that I watched it and everyone involved in its production should be embarrassed and ashamed, as well.

Twenty years ago, a doctor experimenting with body parts runs away when he's wanted by the police for abducting patients. Fast forward to the present day when Nick, after his mom's passing, learns she had a cabin in the mountains. He, his girlfriend, another couple and a frat bro head up there to check it out. Well, guess who lives in the area? Dr. Chopper, yup, uh huh, and in that region people have been disappearing for years. Mayhem ensues.

The story itself, for a horror flick, isn't that bad. Everything else nearly completely or totally fails. Some of the actors do work their hardest to put in a sincere performance of their character but overall there is so much bad acting and incompetent directing, plus horrible writing, cheap effects... it's all just a long, drawn out mess. It's really almost more of a comedy. Costas Mandylor has a small part as a State Parks Ranger who's exiled himself to this "elephant's graveyard" where not a lot of tourists go anymore, a place he can just drink himself to death over the loss of a loved one. I've seen Mandylor a few times in this and that, including the TV series that made him someone in Hollywood, Picket Fences, where he's been decent to watch as an actor. Here: WORST ACTING EVER (or at least right up there, or perhaps I should say down there in those ranks. So sad.)

What is good about this movie? Nothing. Wait... there's actually a small twist in the plot that was pretty unexpected. Usually tripe like this is straightforward crap with nothing unpredictable whatsoever. While the twist was a surprise, it doesn't save the movie at all. Such a small budget, a 10¢ script, a director who obviously has no sense of good film making, and no good actors doomed it completely.

In all honestly -- in watching Dr. Chopper I've wasted some of my life and typing all of this up about it, well, that has just added to it. Yay.