The Sunday Morning Drunk

I'm in Hell. That's life. Who needs pants? I don't give a crap if it's 20 degrees, shorts will be fine on a 2/3 of a mile walk to the 24 hour convenience store for a 6 pack. Beer needed, pants be damned. Can't find my jacket so two long sleeve thermal shirts and a short sleeve over that's good. 3:45 a.m., barely any cars on the road. No cars for 5 or ten minutes, Evanescence in the ears, but how come when there's cars, two at the same time pass in opposite directions? What are the odds?!? Bizarre. Gloves were need but just pull the hands inside the sleeves and it's allg ood.

Beer bought, walk home. More Evanescence. Though I was walking on a road, that's some great hiking music for a cold morning under the stars. Warm on the the way home, no more freezing hands. Grateful Dead terrapin hemp baseball hat keeps me head warm. Somethin' like 45 minutes later, home I am to drink. Air temp was below freezing so beer was cold right away. Nice. Evanescence finishes so how about some Pearl Jam in the ears? Loud, fast, joyless. There's no joy in hopelessness.

8:12 a.m. now and I'm on my last beer. Thankfully the convenience store closer to me (not 24 hrs) uis now open. NBeed more beer, spelling erros now be damhed. Screw 'em.

INXS - Dekadance. Shoryt EP before I play me some Temple of the Dog.

Tis weally messed up, Elmer Fudd would say with a "w" instead of an "r" -- Sunday morning church? Or beer? Beer and hopelessness. Screw the world, screw everything. Just give me loud, fast, somewhat maybe angry music and endless CSI: Miami's and NCIS episodes. Leverage on TNT and Psych on USa start soon. Family Guy's good for a laugh now and then, Community and 30 Rock and Parks & Recreation also... but what good is a laugh without joy? It's so false? Temporary? All laughs are temporary but I guess it's just momentary, something to fill up a tiny little part of life before death. A mometary distraction from the hell.

Someone commented here recently along the lines of -- "Play some Dead." Yeah, right. I wish I could. I want to. Badly. It's so0 messed up, ya know, the desire is tremendously tjhere for the Gratefil Dead and Jerry HGarcia to provide again some joy in this life . . . but it just ain't a-happenin'. Just ain't. There's nothing in life to be happy about. Happiness makes the GD and JGB awesome, just dopwnright freakin' awesome, ya know, great, splendid, wicked great, bitchgin', gnarly, killer, orgasmic, wonderful, mmmm, so goooooood . . . i know this . . . but I can't press play because there's no joy to be the door to that added Grateness. Do I make sense. Probably not. Do i care? No. Whatever. I just wish I had a home. I'm fucking homeless, I've nowhere that I fit in. Home is where the heart is and where's my heart? Stolen and I hate it. I hate life. I hatre myself. I hate the world. I hate life and I just wish I could slice my wrists open and bleed to death. Yay. Now there'd be some joy. Whatever. Temple of the Dog's playing, last beer's being drunk and tis perhaps time for me to get me another 6 pack. I dunno why. Seriously -- I've been great with maybe a mere one six pack in like the last 3 or 4 weeks, constanly battloing the d4esire to drink, but the alcholic compulsion is there right now. Why? It just is. Nothing else to say. Ramble ramble ramble. Country's going to hell. Whatever. Music plays, nothing gives me joy. Want to die. Whatever. Maybe I'll sober up and find a good video to post after this to deflect. Why',m I even typing all this crap? Beats me. Whatever. Life sucls. Did i mnention that already or not? yeahh ... i thought i did.

One day is fine, next is black

Bourbon and a bagel for breakfast? Why the heck not. 58° and raining and I've gotta walk to the local convenience store for a Coke so's I can properly wash down this bourbon. Me not a straight drinker of the spirit, no way... tequila, sure, but not bourbon. Good breakfast -- couple shots with a Coke, actually not a Coke, that's sort of a lie, I bought an RC Cola. Good to start the day with bourbon. Nothing better at 7:45 a.m. i always say. Well, maybe not always but now. I always wonder what the cashier at the grocery store thinks when I'm buyin' a 6 of Newcastle or Sam Adams at 7:15 a.m. I coulda sarted with the beer but the bourbon first is perfect. oh yeah. and a bagel, of course. not really of course 'cause i don't eat bagels often but bein' from northern New Jersey, they're in my blood. Didn't quite get good NY bagels, or even northern NJ bagels... but okay. Besides, when you're drinkin, what the dang heck does it matter? all's i know is i've gotta stop diong this. bad news, man. then walkin' back from the cinvenince ctore (wow... without correcting i am typing wayyyyyy badly but who gives a crap.) anyway, where was i? almost got creamed by a truck. well, i could've if i wanted to. thought aabout it. I did want to but I'm not completely ready. Besides, what if the driver of the truck swerved and hit something or someone else and the injury wasn't just to me? That wouldn't be good. That's not the right way to die. The right way is let the physical just be you but maybe let another or others see it happen so they have to live with what they've done. That always sounds good to me. Almost revenge but I know revenge is wrong. I dunno. Anyway, twas a Cheerwine truck, i noticed. he was barrelin' down, doin' a whole maybe 40 in a 35, maybe 45 he was doin. coulda killed me, sure, had i been hit the right way. believe me, i thought about it. all's i coulda done was not crossed at the second i did and waited a few seconds. Emeril doing color commenatary mighta gone, "BAM!" Yeah, man. That'd a-been a waste of an RC Cola (and a small bag of Fritos.) $2.65 that coulda gone into my will (recipient not yet chosen, thought it was but now not sure... I've really gotta get that done 'cause who the hell knows what can happen... what will happen, what might... what will.... but when? Hard to say.)

Anyway, where was I? 2 minute walk back i thought of -- Should I Stay or Should I Go? Tough question to answer. Not much reason to stay, is there, Ame? Juliet doesn't think so either. I'd tell you both to go to hell but A) I can't because I'm not a mean, heartless bastard and B) maybe you're right. Too much hope to go but it sucks like the worst hell to stay.

Beer time, #2.

Gotta love an overcast rainy day. Practically black outside and it's 8-something a.m -- perfectly matches this feeling of despair. Tis weird 'cause it ain't all bad. Watched CSI: Miami earlier and it was a decent 44 minutes (On Demand, without commercials) of semi-relief. Dang thing is i don't wanna fill my life with TV. I didn't watch much that to begin with now I'm filling 44 minutes here, 60 minutes there with Monk and Psych and Trauma and CSI and NCIS and there's more I could try and might 'cause music only goes so far. Music? Music's good, too... but there are just do many frickin' hours in a day to fill.

This has gotta stop. Something's gotta give.

Love & Rockets

few yrs after their prime but still darn good

it's full

Some think that if the full moon is labeled on your calendar as, say, October 4, then the full moon occurs after the sun goes down on that day.

Wrong. Sometimes.

Today's full moon occurs:

OCT.  4  6 10

The 4 is the day. The 6 is the hour and the 10 is the minute. Full moon is at 6:10? A.m., yes, in London, not Ontario...

that's 1:10 a.m. East Coast time in America, land of the semi-free, home of the brave and way over-taxed with a government who is so freakin' full of themselves that they just don't truly give a crap and want to tax us even more, many of them do, freakin' nutjob dooshbags.

hey, genius, this was just about the moon, how'd it go political? beer. beer and a little bourbon before that. amazing how many correction i habve to make, see, but now i'm jut lookin at he ketboard and i'm not gonna correct 'em all. Still i ca type okay for many words but not all if i just keep going like so whatever ever ever ever blah blah bklah, hey, NCIS: LA -- best show ever with that hunky hunky studmuffin (if i was gay which i am not) what's his name? Callan a.k.a. Chris O'Donnell HOOOAHHHH---- Al Pacino would yell at him in that movie with the Ferrari anfd can't forget LL COOOL J not all caps but my thumb stuck on the key la di da di da, yeahso anyway, it's a great show, just watched 2 episodes, first two there've been not counting the semi-episode when they were on the regular NCIS at the end of last season? Something like that byut anyway, yada freakin' yada, hey..... full moon, ya know it can actually occur at like 3:o'freakin' clock in the afternoon! yeah, somewhere on the globe it does. really. weird, huh? 'cause, or as Juliet would write, "cuz" that's the way the world is.... yo.

hey. time for anuthah beer....... yo. full moon, oh, hey, 3 minutes from this sentence right here, actually about 2 minutes now, ready? on my mark............... ready? well? what the heck? are your ready or ain't'chya? Beer time.

freakin' 30 seconds to fridge and back didn't eat up much time, yo.
say, with a minutes to go, tell me, what the dang heck is wrong with the world? it's messed up, ain't it..... yo? Yo. Tis sure is, I tell ya what.

Full moon time. Ready?

Mark.

i said............ MARK!

not yet.

now.

hops

Great line from a Doors song goes "Woke up this morning anfd I got myself a beer." 6:08 a.m. and no, I haven't woken up but I'm surely polishing off this second 6-pack. Not good. I'm noyt a drunk, I swear. No, really, well,maybe I have a propensity to be one... but I don't want to be one.... ya know, it just happens, tis called SELF MEDICATION, I believe. Sure, I coulda just taken some sleeping pills and knocked myself out but ........ but qwhat? Why did i choose this path rather than sound sleep? LOUD PEARL JAM TEN blaring in my ears, maybe some Temple of the Dog next should I be able to stay awake for a couple more beers and then sleep. Why alcohol? Why not the sleeping pills to knock me out for 8 hours? I don't know. Crappy mood -- why sleep? Why not just stay awake and dwell on the hurt while maybe digging some gfreat music? before this was Nine Inch Nails and their debut from 1989: Pretty Hate Machine. GREAT f'in' album!! Another one now. But along with the great music comes Deep Thoughts and not of the Jack Handy kind that make you laugh, no, none of those, just Deep Thoughts and misspellings that make me wonder do I want to correct them or not? MNaybe. Not that time. Don't care. Just -- drink.

Drinka nd turn up the tunes. Jeremy spoke in class today. Lemon yellow sun -- wow, this a downer of a song... but it's soooooooo good!

Grateful Dead? Yeah, I hoid of 'em. Maybe soon. Seemed a harmless little fuck. Nashed his teeth and bit the recess ladies breast. Yada yada yada, Eddie Vedder.

Rambling........

Life sure is messed up, ain't it? What the hell are ya to do? Die? Sure. Maybe. Or try to see a better tomorrow....... HAAAA! Better next week or better next month but better in the next 24 hours is a tough demand to meet.

Rambling....... my ears are not going to make it to Age 70 assuming I live another week or two. LOUD PEARL JAM! (Is there any other way to play PJ?!?!)

What's most screwed up, and this won't apply to non-Christians, is I kjnow this ain't what God wants for me......... yet alcohol just seems so logical...... even though a lot of it gives me a headache. I'm not even sure what's it's doing for me. Anything psoitive? Nope. That's fior dang sure. Just making me think more.... maybe.... I dunno, probably considering without it I'd be crashed out asleep and not thinking a damn thing.

Onc.e....... don't know the lyrics so no sing along. Once, upon a time, i could control myself.

Wow, i could easily be an alcohlic. this is not good. did i mention that ? is any Pearl jam album after this worth it? really? Maybe a little but not as much as Ten. no way.

once, upon a time, i could love myself. once, upon a time, i could love you.

i still can. i still do.

anyway........... even flow -- my own mix of the album so it's next and now and yeah i
i've got two beers to go and i think i see the sun beginning to shine, well, not really shine but show some light outside.

no more. typing that is. Maybe i'll rip that second Furthur show and post it today. Or that dang Oxford Plains show that I've already written a review for.... but I wanna listen to it again -- SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright well no commas needed anymore as I've finished this beer and whoa i need to correct my spelling here like every 5 seconfds or else i'mgonna loook like i can't type and usually i take pride in making suire i can spell everuthhing corectly but right now i ust don't care.

Hmm.... maybe some Living Colour next? 9/11/09 from Teaneck, New Jersey at a jopint called Mexicalu Blyues, yeah, like the GD song if it wasn't mispelled by me. Anyway......

done.