Thursday, July 10, 2008

I wish it was all just an illusion

Okay, everything's all better!

Haa, not exactly. I don't know why I said that... not even close actually.

Whaddya expect? It's only Day 2.

I really don't know about things working out for the better this time... but... ya know... I dunno... maybe they will... I just have no freakin' clue right now. Unfortunately, sadly, I truly have no reason in the entire world universe to think that anything will be better, for anyone. That hurts so damn much.

All I can do is try to move on a day at a time. I'm not suicidal otherwise See Ya, I'd already have been history. That would be a quick, painless death whereas this isn't going away anytime soon. I'd need to get my will in place first... that's a lot of money -- in 7 years when the money can be released from the trust -- and since I don't see myself needing or caring about a cent of that (which could change but I don't see that happening) it then needs to be used for something very worthwhile... like college educations for a couple of wonderful kids. Once the will was done... then See Ya. But that (the See Ya part) is not gonna happen. No worries there (for anyone worried... but too bad, eh, for anyone who would have wanted that?! Sorry.)

So what does all this mean then?

Continuing Pain.
Fine. Whatever.
Nothing new to me.
Still it hurts -- like pure hell sometimes.
No desire to eat, can barely sleep.
There are moments when it's just all too much,
and I feel again like it just makes no sense,
that's it just not right, not right at all.
So often I have to stop and shake my head
because it just doesn't seem real.

All of this was so unexpected,
so unbelievably out of the blue...
this was not part of the future. It just wasn't...

but I'm really trying to get a grasp on it all.

I am.

It's something that I'm still working on trying to process and absorb... and that's not gonna be done in just a few days. This ain't no paper cut.

Still I pray for a miracle...
but it's not something I can ever expect.

I also pray for healing, not just for me but especially for my friend who is also hurting from this. I care about her so much, so very much ... and I miss her so much, too.

I've just got a lot to work on.

But while dealing with all this...
I've got a list of things to do in the next week.
One had to be done today.

Music that really means something to me, I'm not ready for. Some lesser music and a run, I thought that one I could get done today and... I got it done.

So, from the list: 1 down, 2 to go... or is it 3 to go?

The North Face trail running shoe -- good for use in the Appalachian Mountains ... but seriously, they are rather small compared to the Rocky Mountains ... Sierra Nevada are sweet, too.  Would definitely use 'em in the Alps, that's for sure.  One thing's for sure -- Jerry Garcia or Bob Weir or Phil Lesh or Blaise Compaoré probably never went running in Paraguay, Liberia, Ivory Coast, Côte d'Ivoire, Burkina Faso, Ouagadougou, Pyongyang, 평양 직할시 조선민주주의인민공화국 平壤直轄市 朝鮮民主主義人民共和國, Türkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, Кыргызстан, Киргизия, Uzbekistan, O'zbekiston, Ўзбекистон Республикаси, Tajikistan, Тоҷикистон.  Probably the same with Brent Mydland.  At least that's my gut feeling.  I could be wrong.  I mean, there were a lot of drugs at Grateful Dead shows and the good Lord above, He knows I did my share!after t-storms, only 74° @ 7:50 p.m ... but 100% humidity.
not hot but still kinda unpleasant in
the SC Lowcountry.
Thursday Night Run: 13 minutes 28 secnot applicable today
Run #3 in July:total time - about 54:15
June:1 hour 47 minutes
May:4 hours 46 minutes

After my first run this month, a week ago, I believe,
I said that running in June got shot to shit.

Well, look what date it is and this is only my 3rd run. I made of a goal of 15 runs this month... that's gonna be difficult so it looks like July, already, got shot to shit, too.

There was a lot going on.

And had it not been for that list, I wouldn't have run at all. It's not something that seemed important anymore.

But thanks to the list, maybe I can get back to this.

Luckily (because I like running on trails) there's a trail nearby here. It's a lot further away than I had in Alaska -- a 3 minute walk in Fairbanks compared to like 15 here -- but still that means I don't have to run on road or sidewalk or a paved trail (not that there's anything wrong with those, just not my preference.)

Unfortunately, there are spots on the trail where, since the county, I guess, doesn't maintain it well, there's lots of tall grass and weeds growing over the edges of the footpath. What that means is when it rains -- WET SOGGY SHOES!

But that didn't stop me. Drenched feet but so what. The humidity was high but the temp wasn't bad and it went okay. I'm sure I sweated off at least a pound, maybe two.

My time out there tonight wasn't half as much as my last (unblogged about) run, and not as much as I'd like, but it'll take some time to work myself back up to, if I have the will to keep doing this, where I want to be.

In any case,
I got this run done.

3 down for July, 12 to go.

I might not make it but hopefully I'll have the will to try. I just wish running was something I liked. It's not, necessarily. I like the effects of it, that's why I do it. But if I had to without music -- fahgetahboutit.


Running tunes...
Guns N' Roses - Use Your Illusion I [CD cover] (1991)Guns N' Roses

Use Your Illusion 1

Right Next Door to Hell
Dust N' Bones
Live and Let Die
Don't Cry
Perfect Crime
You Ain't the First
Bad Obsession
Back Off Bitch
Double Talkin' Jive
November Rain
The Garden" (features Alice Cooper)
Garden of Eden
Don't Damn Me
Bad Apples
Dead Horse

Been ages since I've listened to Guns N' Roses. Ages. A high school friend would play their classic album Appetite for Destruction whenever he'd drive when we went skiing. Skiing for us wasn't just skiing, it was bashing moguls and seeking out jumps to do helicopters and daffys and twisters and, no, we didn't just la di da di da have a pleasant day of skiing, we were wild. Sometimes we'd get our lift tickets ripped for being too wild on the trails.

Anyway, I guess my friend Matt thought GNR was good music to get psyched to so I heard the album a few dozen times.

Haven't heard them so much since then, in fact I can't remember the last time I heard a song of theirs all the way through. A few from this album I knew including Live and Let Die (supposedly originally written by the VW Beatles or something like that?) and November Rain. Not bad. A lot of the rest is okay, some is just... well, not my cup o' tea.

As far as running goes, it worked just fine. For the past long while music hasn't been needed as a distraction all that much ... other nice things to think about :) But that was then, this is now..... so I'm back to rolling whatever album and focusing on it to help me get through my Running Time. Oh, and music also helps me set a starting and end point (my Running Time between cues) so that's cool. While I didn't care for all these tunes, it still served a purpose and I got my run done.

320 kbps mp3 download MUSIC NOTE find a dload @ 4metal 320 kbps mp3 download MUSIC NOTE
320 kbps mp3 download
no video... just not in the mood


Muddy said...

Hi Chris, where to start? It is all an illusion. But it doesn't feel that way. It is up to you to create your own new reality, when the old reality turns into an unrelenting toothache. But it will take quite a painful while until you can pull yourself out of the bog of horribleness.

Then one day, you'll look back and say "that was horrible, why did I stay in the mucky painful bog for so long?"

Then you'll find yourself thinking something like "i'm better now, and there is work to be done!"

Exercise and music are great ways to get past all the crud.

This is probably my first comment here. If you weren't in such a mess, I might not have commented. While I'm here, I must tell you how much I'm enjoying the 1/22/78 show. I've played from The Other One to the end 4 times since last night. I have at least a hundred great shows, and it is very unusual to repeat one the same week.

Thanks for the show, and the posts about running, and so many other things. You're not a very good runner. Neither am I. You've been a part of my inspiration to make myself put on the running shoes and head down the road for 15-20 minutes. I'd love to be able to run longer, and I could if I were more consistent, but, I do what I can, and hope for better.

Anyway, this too shall pass. I just hope you get back to enjoying all the good stuff soon.

Zooomabooma said...

Hiya Muddy. Thanks for commenting, especially on the Dead tunes and the running. I hope to be able to keep putting great shows out there for you and others. I also hope to enjoy music again, and put a lot of exercise back in my life, maybe be an inspiration for others to exercise.

But now it's really not easy. Not at all.

Whaddya do when you get 1 or 2 really good, I mean really, really, really, really, really good things in your life, and they both get shot to shit? It's like -- enjoy life? You've got to be kidding me.

Staying in the mucky painful bog isn't totally my choice. Sometimes we fall in love -- it just happens, we have no control over it, and it can be so wonderful. On the flip side, we can be destroyed and we have no control over it, and it can last and last and last and last.

Someday I'll find myself "better now"? I pray for that. But when you lose the most important thing in the world -- how do you get to better now?!?!?!?!?!?

I see a better future, one that's just downright amazing and so glorious!!!! Problem right now is there's someone else in that future with me but she's not holding my hand right now and we're not walking toward that future together. So unfortunately, it's just not up to me to create that all on my own.

I do thank you for clicking to comment. Maybe there'll be brighter days ahead when comments can be much cheerier. We shall see.

one says one number and the other another
but they were set at the same time. Hmmm...

Calvin and Hobbes in the snow -- animated