I wish it was all just an illusion

Okay, everything's all better!

Haa, not exactly. I don't know why I said that... not even close actually.

Whaddya expect? It's only Day 2.

I really don't know about things working out for the better this time... but... ya know... I dunno... maybe they will... I just have no freakin' clue right now. Unfortunately, sadly, I truly have no reason in the entire world universe to think that anything will be better, for anyone. That hurts so damn much.

All I can do is try to move on a day at a time. I'm not suicidal otherwise See Ya, I'd already have been history. That would be a quick, painless death whereas this isn't going away anytime soon. I'd need to get my will in place first... that's a lot of money -- in 7 years when the money can be released from the trust -- and since I don't see myself needing or caring about a cent of that (which could change but I don't see that happening) it then needs to be used for something very worthwhile... like college educations for a couple of wonderful kids. Once the will was done... then See Ya. But that (the See Ya part) is not gonna happen. No worries there (for anyone worried... but too bad, eh, for anyone who would have wanted that?! Sorry.)

So what does all this mean then?

Continuing Pain.
Fine. Whatever.
Nothing new to me.
Still it hurts -- like pure hell sometimes.
No desire to eat, can barely sleep.
There are moments when it's just all too much,
and I feel again like it just makes no sense,
that's it just not right, not right at all.
So often I have to stop and shake my head
because it just doesn't seem real.

All of this was so unexpected,
so unbelievably out of the blue...
this was not part of the future. It just wasn't...

but I'm really trying to get a grasp on it all.

I am.

It's something that I'm still working on trying to process and absorb... and that's not gonna be done in just a few days. This ain't no paper cut.

Still I pray for a miracle...
but it's not something I can ever expect.

I also pray for healing, not just for me but especially for my friend who is also hurting from this. I care about her so much, so very much ... and I miss her so much, too.

I've just got a lot to work on.

But while dealing with all this...
I've got a list of things to do in the next week.
One had to be done today.

Music that really means something to me, I'm not ready for. Some lesser music and a run, I thought that one I could get done today and... I got it done.

So, from the list: 1 down, 2 to go... or is it 3 to go?

after t-storms, only 74° @ 7:50 p.m ... but 100% humidity. not hot but still kinda unpleasant in the SC Lowcountry.

Thursday Night Run: 13 minutes 28 sec

not applicable today

XXXXXXXXXXXX ·June - sec· XXXXXXXXXX

Run #3 in July: total time - about 54:15 June: 1 hour 47 minutes May: 4 hours 46 minutes

After my first run this month, a week ago, I believe,
I said that running in June got shot to shit.

Well, look what date it is and this is only my 3rd run. I made of a goal of 15 runs this month... that's gonna be difficult so it looks like July, already, got shot to shit, too.

There was a lot going on.

And had it not been for that list, I wouldn't have run at all. It's not something that seemed important anymore.

But thanks to the list, maybe I can get back to this.

Luckily (because I like running on trails) there's a trail nearby here. It's a lot further away than I had in Alaska -- a 3 minute walk in Fairbanks compared to like 15 here -- but still that means I don't have to run on road or sidewalk or a paved trail (not that there's anything wrong with those, just not my preference.)

Unfortunately, there are spots on the trail where, since the county, I guess, doesn't maintain it well, there's lots of tall grass and weeds growing over the edges of the footpath. What that means is when it rains -- WET SOGGY SHOES!

But that didn't stop me. Drenched feet but so what. The humidity was high but the temp wasn't bad and it went okay. I'm sure I sweated off at least a pound, maybe two.

My time out there tonight wasn't half as much as my last (unblogged about) run, and not as much as I'd like, but it'll take some time to work myself back up to, if I have the will to keep doing this, where I want to be.

In any case, I got this run done.

3 down for July, 12 to go.

I might not make it but hopefully I'll have the will to try. I just wish running was something I liked. It's not, necessarily. I like the effects of it, that's why I do it. But if I had to without music -- fahgetahboutit.

Running tunes...
	Guns N' Roses Use Your Illusion 1 1991

Right Next Door to Hell
Dust N' Bones
Live and Let Die
Don't Cry
Perfect Crime
You Ain't the First
Bad Obsession
Back Off Bitch
Double Talkin' Jive
November Rain
The Garden" (features Alice Cooper)
Garden of Eden
Don't Damn Me
Bad Apples
Dead Horse
Coma

Been ages since I've listened to Guns N' Roses. Ages. A high school friend would play their classic album Appetite for Destruction whenever he'd drive when we went skiing. Skiing for us wasn't just skiing, it was bashing moguls and seeking out jumps to do helicopters and daffys and twisters and, no, we didn't just la di da di da have a pleasant day of skiing, we were wild. Sometimes we'd get our lift tickets ripped for being too wild on the trails.

Anyway, I guess my friend Matt thought GNR was good music to get psyched to so I heard the album a few dozen times.

Haven't heard them so much since then, in fact I can't remember the last time I heard a song of theirs all the way through. A few from this album I knew including Live and Let Die (supposedly originally written by the VW Beatles or something like that?) and November Rain. Not bad. A lot of the rest is okay, some is just... well, not my cup o' tea.

As far as running goes, it worked just fine. For the past long while music hasn't been needed as a distraction all that much ... other nice things to think about :) But that was then, this is now..... so I'm back to rolling whatever album and focusing on it to help me get through my Running Time. Oh, and music also helps me set a starting and end point (my Running Time between cues) so that's cool. While I didn't care for all these tunes, it still served a purpose and I got my run done.

find a dload @ 4metal

320 kbps mp3 download

no video... just not in the mood